Humor

I’ve Decided To Go Into Space

I can’t wait to eat steak from a tube.

Photo by Erik Mclean on Unsplash

The first all-civilian crew of astronauts is about to go to space….Who are the astronauts? A high school dropout. A cancer survivor who has a prosthetic in her leg. A professor. A last-minute volunteer after someone backed out.

— The Washington Post

Hey, fam! Exciting news! I’m going into space!😎🚀

Apparently I entered some kind of lottery online when I was *cough, cough* conducting a wine tasting alone in my living room one evening while binge-watching RHONY.

I never win anything, so I thought, “Volunteer civilian astronaut who’s available at a moment’s notice when somebody else chickens out,” why not?

The next thing I know, two guys with zero sense of humor show up in my driveway and shove me into the back of a Prius. Harsh. I mean, you can send people into space, but you can’t spring for a limo?

Nobody really asked me about my training or qualifications, but I’ve been wearing astronaut diapers ever since that woman drove across the country to beat her boyfriend’s new…