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HUMOR
I’ve Been Sick for Five Days
Which is always funnier in retrospect.
Things stated going downhill when I took the Mucinex.
You know — the Mucinex that I DoorDashed to my house, along with a half gallon of orange juice, a 6-pack of 7Up, and apparently a gallon of apple juice that didn’t look that big on my phone’s little screen.
All to the tune of around $33, give or take.
Surely I’ve taken Mucinex before, but maybe it wasn’t this particular Dollar Store brand of Mucinex — “Flem-B-Gone”.
Because this brand of Mucinex almost killed me.
It’s amazing how there are sweat glands covering every inch of your body. And when your blood pressure drops faster than a cannon ball in a swimming pool, every single one of those little sweat glands will burst open and drench you in an icy slime.
That happened to me about 90 minutes after I popped the Mucinex, and about 30 seconds after that is when the explosive diarrhea started.
Did I make it to the bathroom? Technically, no.
After managing not to die on the toilet like Elvis, I crawled back into bed and tried to come to terms with my impending death there, on the bed. Yes, I thought about calling…
