Humor

Instructions For Dogsitting My Precious Furbaby

Don’t worry, I’m a super chill pet parent.

Photo by Cole Keister on Unsplash

Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for agreeing to dogsit Hershey while my boyfriend and I go glamping for a few weeks.

You know I take Hershey to work with me every day, but since you can’t really take a dog into an operating room, you’ll need to take some time off. Being a brain surgeon is cool and everything, but it has its downsides, no?

I’ve jotted down some quick notes just to give you an idea of Hershey’s routine to which you must STRICTLY ADHERE.

Haha, I’m kidding! I’m a super chill pet parent, remember?

6:00 A.M.

Rise and shine! Hershey will wake you up at the crack of dawn and present herself for a brief 15-minute head and neck massage. Please pay special attention to her ears, since that’s where she holds all her stress. You’ll know you’re doing it right if she falls back to sleep.

6:15 A.M.

No rest for the wicked, am I right? While Hershey gets her beauty sleep, please prepare her breakfast as follows:

1 scoop small kibble
1 scoop slightly larger kibble
1 scoop wet food
1 baked, unseasoned chicken tender
3 Omega-3 salmon oil cubes
1 glucosamine chew

I’ve given you color-coded containers of all the dogfood and supplements she’ll need, but you’ll have to purchase the chicken tenders yourself from the organic farmer on I-85. I know it’s a two-hour drive, but his chickens live an idyllic life of play dates and spa treatments — they’re the Kardashians of chickens.

Just as an aside, Hershey is a rescue, so she has some…quirks. She sucks on her food, spits it out, and then eats it off the floor. You might want to have a wet nap handy.

8:00 A.M.

Time to go to the P-A-R-K for a W-A-L-K! Who am I kidding, she knows how to spell.

Walking Hershey is like trying to walk a sack full of angry weasels. I know you’re always bragging about how much you love spin class, but I have concerns about your upper body strength. Please bulk up a little before we leave.

When out and about with Hershey, please remember that she is reactive and doesn’t like: men, women, hats, sunglasses, other dogs, cats, statues, garbage cans, monster trucks, bicycles, tractors, or squirrels. She has a special hatred of squirrels, which is only natural and right since I can’t stand the little rat bastards myself.

You’ll need to wash Hershey’s paws after every W-A-L-K since who knows what hideous chemicals are out there these days. She doesn’t particularly enjoy having her feet washed. Ignore the growling.

She also has a tendency to throw herself down on the ground without warning to writhe in the grass. Reassure passers-by that she’s not having a seizure, she’s just weird.

9:00 A.M.

Naptime! You’ll probably want to tidy up a little while Hershey rests. You’ve got a Dyson vacuum cleaner, right? You’re going to need it.

10:00 A.M.

Bone.

12:00 P.M.

Lunch bone! These are special dog biscuits that look a lot like her other dog biscuits, but they’re not. They’re lunch bones.

2:00 P.M.

Bone.

3:00 P.M.

Time for another W-A-L-K. Who needs spin class when you’ve got a dog, am I right? Don’t forget the poop bags. There’s nothing quite like the feel of warm dog doo-doo squishing through your fingers.

5:00 P.M.

Bone.

7:00 P.M.

You guessed it! One last W-A-L-K before dinner and bed. You might want to look into some kind of shoe reward program. I go through them at a pretty good clip.

7:30 P.M.

Dinner is easy — whatever food is left over from breakfast, garnished with another chicken tender. Hershey does, however, drink like a hippo. Get used to wet socks.

7:45 P.M.

Apply Hershey’s foaming anti-tartar dental spray by lifting each cheek and giving the bottle a quick squeeze. It’s non-staining, so don’t worry about how much gets all over you, the floor, the walls, the houseplants, etc.

9:00 P.M.

Bedtime! It goes without saying that Hershey will sleep with you in your bed. If you don’t feel you have sufficient room, I’ve seen your couch and it looks pretty comfy. Maybe you should just sleep there. Don’t forget to get up several times during the night to make sure she’s covered with a blankie.

You know what? Never mind, we’ll just stay home.

Legal secretary by day, insomniac by night. BA, MA. I ❤ dogs. @pointsincase, The Funny Times. Twitter: @blade_funner

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