Humor

Indiana Jones And The Selfie Of Doom

How do I take a selfie that looks the way I think I look?

Photo by Dan Cook on Unsplash

Somewhere between my eyeballs and the mirror lies another dimension. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity (to paraphrase Rod Serling).

It is an area we call…The Selfie Zone.

You can’t see this dimension when you’re just standing there at the bathroom sink, a sight to behold in your boyfriend’s discarded boxers and a Ratt concert tee.

This dimension only appears when you pick up your phone and try to take a picture of yourself in the mirror, rumpled, possibly drunk, but with a certain je ne sais quoi.

Your skin glows. Your hair frames your face like an old Farrah Fawcett photo, maybe during her Burt Reynolds period. Should you put one leg up on the sink? No. Keep it simple. Don’t want to pull a hammy.

You pick up your phone, aim, and click the button.

What the — ? That looks nothing like me. Who is this hideous gargoyle? Where did all these shadows come from?

Why is one eye two inches higher than the other?

Has my face always been this crooked or do we have an Elephant Man situation going on here? When I look at myself in the…