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Important Information Regarding ZOINKS!, Your New AI-Powered Mattress
ZOINKS! puts you to sleep and keeps you asleep just long enough for us to hack all of your credit cards.
Congratulations on your purchase of ZOINKS!, the world’s first mattress powered by AI technology.
Before you have the best sleep of your life — not as good as when you were a teenager and could sleep 12 hours straight without getting up to pee, but close — there are a few things you should know about your ZOINKS! experience.
To begin, you’ll need to leave your ZOINKS! mattress on your front lawn for three to five days while it off-gasses the carcinogenic chemicals used in manufacturing. It’s important that you don’t allow any family pets or wildlife near your ZOINKS! mattress during this time.
Your ZOINKS! mattress arrives fully charged. The charge should last long enough for you to purchase and install a charging station (not included) which our technicians will attach to your house, bypassing your municipal power grid and connecting directly to our home office, which is located on a ship somewhere in the Black Sea.
Before turning on your ZOINKS! mattress, please be sure to download the app and create a user profile…
