Humor

I’m Your New Dental Hygienist And I’m Really Into Teeth

Now just lay back, relax, and stare into the sun.

Photo by Caroline LM on Unsplash

Hi! I’m Darla, your new dental hygienist! Where is Connie? Oh, she retired to a 55+ community that’s only for dental hygienists. The houses are all shaped like teeth. She bought a sweet two-bedroom back molar that is to die for. I’m so jealous— all of the good teeth will probably be gone by the time I retire.

Let’s get to know each other a little over the next 90 minutes of sheer, unmitigated torture that is your bi-annual dental cleaning.

Teeth are the best thing ever, am I right? I’m sure you agree, although you wouldn’t know it from the incipient periodontal disease you’ve got going on. Hmm, this part looks a little inflamed. Let me just jab it with my razor-sharp miniature whale harpoon.

Sorry! Didn’t mean to make you jump! Oops, you’re bleeding a little. Rinse and spit. All better? No? *making note in chart* Pathetic weakling.

Let’s talk about something to take your mind off it. Have you seen Marathon Man? That’s my favorite movie, even though Laurence Olivier’s technique is a little sloppy, to say the least. There are much better ways to torture someone during a dental exam than by exposing their naked pulp chamber and jabbing…