Humor

I’m Your Back And I’d Like To Have A Word With You

Lift with your legs! How hard is it to remember that??

What is going on here? (Photo by Aiony Haust on Unsplash)

Hi, I’m your back. And if you’ve got a minute, I’d like to have a little chat.

No, no, don’t bother sitting up straight. You can just stay the way you are, slumped over your keyboard like a giant cocktail shrimp. You reek of Bengay, did you know that? I guess at your age that’s basically perfume.

I know I’ve been bothering you a lot lately, what with the snow shoveling and the sitting at your kitchen table for hours without getting up and the heavy Amazon boxes that seem to arrive every. single. day.

I don’t want to say the pain is all your fault, but it is.

See, the human spine isn’t actually designed to haul you around upright. That’s why you have things like arthritis and hemorrhoids. There are design flaws all over the human body — you wouldn’t pass inspection in a million years. Which is about how long you’ve had to work on me and you still can’t get it right.

Lift with your legs! How hard is it to remember that??

Let’s talk about your mattress. I know you think mattresses are a scam and you don’t need to…