Member-only story
I’m Trying To Find A New Girlfriend For My Boyfriend
Free to good home: one boyfriend, slightly used.
We met on Match.com after my husband told me his mistress in Arizona had a one-way ticket to Ohio and I had to get out.
So, I got out. It seemed preferable to clinging like a barnacle to a sinking ship.
This was in 2006, before Tinder, or Grindr, or Bumble. There was Match, Plenty of Fish, and Adult Friend Finder. Guess which one I decided to sign up for first.
AFF was the wild, wild West of internet dating (I use that term loosely). And for an entire summer, I lost my mind a little bit while I clicked and chatted, hooked up and moved on with lightning speed.
My best friend at the time decided to try out AFF too, and we exchanged horror stories on a regular basis. Since we couldn’t remember the guys’ names (yes, it was that bad), we gave them our own code names. There was Biscuit Lips, The Penguin, Ronnie the Fawn, The Pirate.
One guy heavily implied that he was a CIA operative calling me from China.
One guy boasted to my friend that he had a Sleep Number bed — that was supposed to be a big turn on.
One guy, I’m convinced, worked for the Mossad.
