I’m The Dish Sponge You’ve Been Using For The Last Two Years

Did I start the pandemic? Maybe.

Photo by cottonbro from Pexels

*long drag on cigarette* Sure, I smoke. What’s it to you? Suddenly you care? Please. I’ve seen things in the last two years that no sentient hunk of polyester should ever have to see.

If you’re one of those rich folks who have a dishwasher, just keep moving. I’m not talking to your privileged ass, Kim Kardashian.

Did you know that some studies suggest you should change me every week?? How’s that for a laugh? Scientists actually claim that I’m the filthiest thing in your house — even filthier than your toilet, and you know what a shitshow that is. In fact, according to the white coats, you might as well scrub your cereal bowl with an actual piece of shit.

Gets ya thinkin’, don’t it?

Now, you could subscribe to one of those fancy-schmancy sponge delivery services, but are you made out of money?


Four sponges a month for $12.00. That’s *counting on fingers* I don’t know, a lot of money. Did you see me in your AP math class? No. I’m a sponge.

And even if you did subscribe to a sponge delivery service, somebody would be all “carbon footprint” this and “it takes 14 billion years for a dish sponge to break down in a landfill” that.

Look, it’s not like I want to end up taking a dirt bath with a bunch of used Huggies. I want what everybody wants — a little piece of land in the middle of Wyoming without electricity or cell service.

I’ll kick back in a rocking chair on the front porch while you head down to the creek and wash the dishes with a tranquilized squirrel. The only downside is that the squirrel will catch on pretty quick and I don’t know how many gullible squirrels there are in Wyoming.

Now, you could clean me every once in a while, but here’s what the eggheads have to say about that:

“Improper cleaning may make the situation even worse. Cleaning, especially by non-cleaning experts at home, usually does not clean all the bacteria inside because there is such a large amount of microbes. Some survive, and become more resistant; if you do this a couple of times, you might select for more pathogenic communities.” — Alice Park in Time

Well, dress me up and call me Scott Baio. *taps cigarette ash into houseplant* Are you a cleaning expert? I didn’t think so.

So before you douse me in bleach like you’re cleaning up a murder scene, or throw me into the microwave to soak up all that yummy popcorn smell, how about just using something else to wash your dishes? Like, a rag. A brush. The dog. Sand. Anything.

*rattling cough* I ain’t gettin’ any younger over here.

Legal secretary by day, insomniac by night. BA, MA. If life is a journey, I’m lost. Slackjaw, Points In Case, The Funny Times, The Haven. Twitter: @blade_funner

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