Humor

I’m The Customer Fondling Your Mail

Photo by sue hughes on Unsplash

Oh, hi! You startled me. I was really concentrating on reading the mailing label on this FedEx package I’m holding in my hand that has absolutely nothing to do with me.

Would you like me to bring it in? Oh, it’s actually waiting to be picked up? By FedEx? Which is why it says FEDEX and is lying out here on a little table in the entryway?

It’s just that when I see other people’s mail, something comes over me and I have to touch it. You could even say I fondle it.

I just can’t help myself — I have to finger your mail.

Ah, yes, now I see the sign you put up that says OFFICE MAIL, PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH. THANK YOU.

YES, I REALLY HAD TO MAKE A SIGN.

I thought that sign was for other people. Lesser mortals who might paw through your pile of outgoing mail thoughtlessly, without holding it up to their faces and really looking at it, like I’m doing.

I mean, you never know when a piece of mail will be for you, do you.

You do? Well, I don’t subscribe to that kind of negative thinking. That’s toxic…