Humor

I’m The Couch Nobody Sits On

Image by StockSnap from Pixabay

Heyyyy!!! I’m so happy to see some new faces! It’s been a long time. Glad you dropped by, have a —

Oh. Sure, have a seat on that couch. The comfy couch. The couch everybody sits on. That’s fine. I hope you like rolling into the permanent butt indentations. And the springs are shot. Good luck getting up without a crane.

Now is probably not the time to mention all the farts those cushions have absorbed. Just sayin’. Dog, cat, human. Doesn’t matter, it just sucks them all up. I don’t even know where all the farts go. It’s like an episode of CSI over there.

Oh, you brought your kids? I love kids! Sure, come on over, little boy! Aren’t you ador —

Wait, is that… is that CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM??

Okay, breathe, breathe. Comfy couch has had a slice of pizza stuck under one of its cushions since 2007. I’m sure everything will be —

AHHHH!! IT BURNS! IT BURNS!

Oh, sure, apologize to them. They’re not the ones disfigured for life. That’s never going to come out of my chintz. The only thing worse is —

Oh, of course he’s also chewing bubblegum. How is he chewing bubblegum and eating ice cream at the same time??

I guess there are worse…