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I’m Only Soothed By Wearing Warm, Comfy Sweaters
There’s nothing like wearing a cozy cowl neck in the middle of July.
Sure, July 2021 was the warmest month ever recorded on Earth in the history of science, but I still wore a warm, comfy sweater every single day.
The only thing that really soothes me is the feel of those gigantic cable knits chafing my neck while I pretend I’m scuffing through fallen leaves in the parking lot.
People ask me, “Why don’t you pick up your feet when you walk?”, and “Don’t you have any summer clothes?” But I just ignore them and pull my sweater tighter around me as I make howling wind noises. Very convincingly, I think.
I wake up every morning, brew a nice hot cup of pumpkin spice coffee to go with my warm apple streusel muffin, and pick out my sweater for the day. If it’s July or August, I already have sweat dripping into my eyes, so the sweater not only clothes me but sops up excess perspiration. A twofer!
Some people are satisfied with a sad, thin crewneck sweater or a truly pathetic V-neck. A V-neck wouldn’t even begin to soothe me. In fact, it would only add to my anxiety — all that skin exposed to winter’s harsh elements! Brrrrrrrr!
