I’m Marjorie Taylor Greene, and I’m Taking Over This PTA Meeting

They can kick me out of Washington, but they’ll never kick me out of this high school gym.

Marjorie Taylor Whackjob

Hi, let me introduce myself. I’m Marjorie Taylor Greene. No, my children don’t attend this school — if this is even a real school and not a cardboard mockup of a school intended to perpetuate the Communist conspiracy of “schools”.

Maybe we can call it SchoolGate. I like the sound of that. Me and my fellow far-right conspiracists really get off on putting “-gate” at the end of words to make them sound all bad and Nixon-y. It really plays to our audience, which has a collective IQ of -1.

My Wikipedia entry makes it sound like being fired from my own company and joining Crossfit made me crazy. Let me assure you, I was bat-shit crazy long before I started shooting ‘roids into my ass and flipping tractor tires in a strip mall parking lot.

Feel my abs. *pointing AK-47* I said, FEEL MY ABS!!

That’s better. Notice how they ripple, like waves on the Atlantic Ocean, which America owns, by the way. I proposed a bill in Congress to change the name to the American Ocean, but all the lefties voted it down. Bernie Sanders and his stupid oven mitts can bite me.

My husband, Perry, couldn’t make it tonight. No one’s ever actually seen him, but I assure you he’s completely real and not a sock puppet that I named after Perry Como because I’m sexually aroused by cardigans.

But seriously, my husband is an accountant for the hive mind at Ernst & Young. When their calculations are complete, a temporal door will open to the multiverse where China doesn’t exist and it’s legal to shoot whoever you want, especially women who are way hotter and smarter than you are.

Not to brag, but I was kicked off of both the House Education AND Budget committees. So if there’s anyone here more qualified to run this PTA meeting and tell you that not only are these donuts NOT tax-deductible, but they’re making you all insulin resistant, it’s me.

Now stand aside and watch me flip this tractor tire all the way down the basketball court.

Legal secretary by day, insomniac by night. BA, MA. If life is a journey, I’m lost. Slackjaw, Points In Case, The Funny Times, The Haven. Twitter: @blade_funner

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