HUMOR

I’m Drinking Olive Oil Straight From The Bottle So I Can Live Forever

This is the cheapest I could find. Do your magic!

Hey, want a swig? No? Your loss.

An article in Reader’s Digest (yes, they still publish that. No, I’m not 1,000 years old — my mom is 1,000 years old) said that a new Harvard study (so you know it’s by smart people) found that consuming as little as a half-tablespoon of olive oil every day lowers your risk of dying from, basically, everything.

Researchers followed 90,000 Americans for 28 years and found that those who consumed a half tablespoon of olive oil daily had a lower risk of death from cancer (by 17 percent), respiratory disease (by 18 percent), heart disease (by 19 percent), and neurogenerative diseases such as dementia (by 29 percent). — Reader’s Digest, September 2022.

I should e-mail the people at Reader’s Digest and tell them about the percent sign. #hashtag %

So I’m just drinking olive oil straight from the bottle. I’m not even kidding.

Sure, I had a McDonald’s fish sandwich and fries at 9:00 p.m. last night (free with the app, suckers), but I chased it with a shot of olive oil, so it didn’t even count. That McSatan’s Combo Meal got wrapped in oily goodness and none of the bad stuff, like cholesterol, or sodium, or mercury, or…