I’m An Ice-Cold Lemonade On A Hot Summer Day And I’m Going To Make You Wish You Were Never Born
Whew, it sure is hot.
You know what would taste really good right now? That’s right — me! An ice-cold lemonade. Maybe from Starbucks. With extra ice. And that froth on top, which, I don’t think lemonade should be frothy, but what do I know? I’m just a glass of lemonade.
And I’m going to cost $6 which is more than some people make in a day doing hard physical labor to support their family, but man, I’m going to taste sooooo good. Especially since your mouth tastes like the bottom of a New Yorker’s shoe after they go to the dog park and then stop at a public urinal.
That’s right. Glug me down like your life depends on it. Boy, is that good. So lemony. So refreshing. It’s like you’ve got a new lease on life. Your entire body has dropped five degrees. And now I’m going to
STAB YOU IN THE BRAIN WITH A COCKTAIL TOOTHPICK! ONE OF THOSE FRILLY ONES LIKE THEY USE AT PARTIES! I’M GOING TO DRIVE IT RIGHT INTO YOUR MEDULLA OBLONGATA! REMEMBER WHAT A MEDULLA OBLONGATA IS? FIFTH GRADE SCIENCE, BABY, IT’S ALL COMING BACK! HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES, YOU GREEDY LITTLE PIG?
OH, YOU WANT ME TO STOP? SORRY, NO CAN DO. YOU GOTTA RIDE THIS ONE OUT, COWBOY.
Oh, oh, maybe a sip of water.
NICE TRY, ASHLEY! GO CRY TO YOUR GRANDMA!
Maybe you’d like to meet my friend, Chocolate Milkshake. We believe in diversity in the pain-inducing-drinks community. Doesn’t he look sooooo delicious? So thick. So creamy. Yeah, lick that whipped cream. Lick it!
Now put your lips around that straw and
GET STABBED IN THE BRAIN WITH A SWORD! I BET YOU DIDN’T EVEN KNOW YOU COULD FEEL PAIN LIKE THAT IN THE BACKS OF YOUR EYEBALLS! WELL, YOU LEARN SOMETHING NEW EVERY DAY!
Oh, you’re trying to drive? The pain is so bad you’ve gone partially blind? You feel like Dustin Hoffman in Marathon Man when Laurence Olivier hits a nerve with that sharp, pokey thing that always jabs your gums and makes you flinch and bleed a little when you go to the dentist?
TOO BAD! FEEL THE ICE COLD EDGE OF MY BLADE SLIDING THROUGH THE ROOF OF YOUR MOUTH AS YOU THINK, “IT’S GETTING BETTER, MAYBE I CAN TAKE ANOTHER SIP.”
YOU DELUSIONAL MORON.
Give it five minutes. You’ll be fine.