Humor

I’m Going To Live In Margaritaville

Pass the salt shaker.

I feel like they won’t mind a little extra publicity. (photo: latitudemargaritaville.com)

I’m angry. I’m angry all the time.

Why does nobody work as hard as I work? Why do other people get to watch TV and read books and go places and take vacations and sleep? I can’t do any of those things! I have to WORK! I can never stop working!

It enrages me when my boyfriend texts me about some television show he’s watching. Can’t he see (from his house which is 30 minutes away) that I’m WORKING? How dare he relax! What a slob, what a loser, what a maroon.

I work every waking minute because I have a dream.

And that dream is to one day live in Margaritaville.

You see, I’m obsessed with the chain of retirement villages owned by Jimmy Buffett called Latitude Margaritaville. I saw them for the first time when they were a prize on Wheel of Fortune. Which feels appropriate somehow. It’s definitely the kind of place you’d expect Pat Sajak and Vanna White to shill for.

I looked them up online and was sucked into an aqua and seafoam world from which I shall never emerge. The homes are the kind of exquisite dollhouses surrounded by palm trees that you just don’t see in places like, oh, say, Ohio.

I must have one. As God is my…