Vermont: Spends entire party in the kitchen looking for maple syrup. Loudly criticizes any brand not labeled “real maple syrup”.
Florida: Repeats several times that they have tickets to see Rodger Hodgson, former lead singer of the band Supertramp, at The Villages. Thinks paid advertisements are television shows.
Idaho: Brings potato dish to wine tasting. Forces other guests to touch their pants saying, “You’d never believe these are made out of potatoes.”
Nevada: Loudly complains about lack of crab legs at the buffet. Smells like Red Door and panic sweat.
Alaska: Wears shorts to Christmas party. Probably doing meth in the bathroom.
Arkansas: Definitely doing meth in the bathroom.
West Virginia: Repeatedly caught rummaging through the medicine cabinet looking for an “aspirin.”
New Jersey: Play wrestling turns into naked brawl. Police arrive.
New York: One-ups every story with a much worse story that happened to them.
California: Spends entire party taking selfies. Occasionally has seizures and bursts into flames.
Oregon: Regurgitates food throughout the evening to feed small bird nesting in beard.
Montana: Drunkenly pees in ficus. Brags about owning pet bear.
Utah: Makes awkward small talk while accompanied by 12 sister-wives. Leaves long hairs in punch bowl.
Delaware: Won’t shut up about corporate tax shelters.
North Dakota: You’ve already met? At Whole Foods? He’s a cashier? Maybe that was South Dakota.