If States Were Guests At A Party

Texas: Brings live baby pig to bar mitzvah.

Photo by Fi Jones on Unsplash

Vermont: Spends entire party in the kitchen looking for maple syrup. Loudly criticizes any brand not labeled “real maple syrup”.

Florida: Repeats several times that they have tickets to see Rodger Hodgson, former lead singer of the band Supertramp, at The Villages. Thinks paid advertisements are television shows.

Idaho: Brings potato dish to wine tasting. Forces other guests to touch their pants saying, “You’d never believe these are made out of potatoes.”

Nevada: Loudly complains about lack of crab legs at the buffet. Smells like Red Door and panic sweat.

Alaska: Wears shorts to Christmas party. Probably doing meth in the bathroom.

Arkansas: Definitely doing meth in the bathroom.

West Virginia: Repeatedly caught rummaging through the medicine cabinet looking for an “aspirin.”

New Jersey: Play wrestling turns into naked brawl. Police arrive.

New York: One-ups every story with a much worse story that happened to them.

California: Spends entire party taking selfies. Occasionally has seizures and bursts into flames.

Oregon: Regurgitates food throughout the evening to feed small bird nesting in beard.

Montana: Drunkenly pees in ficus. Brags about owning pet bear.

Utah: Makes awkward small talk while accompanied by 12 sister-wives. Leaves long hairs in punch bowl.

Delaware: Won’t shut up about corporate tax shelters.

North Dakota: You’ve already met? At Whole Foods? He’s a cashier? Maybe that was South Dakota.

Legal secretary by day, insomniac by night. BA, MA. I ❤ dogs. @pointsincase, The Funny Times. Twitter: @blade_funner

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