Humor

If Our Dogs Took Us To The Store

Photo by A n v e s h on Unsplash

[MY DOG] “Do you promise to be good?”

[ME] *totally lying* “Of course.”

“Okay, you can pick out one toy.”

[ME]: *grabbing all the toys*

“I said one. Is this your favorite? OMG, it’s $25. Here, you can have a tennis ball. It’s orange.”

[ME]: “This is bullshit.”

“Okay, what snacks do we need. Something healthy. Oh, sunflower seeds, they’re high in Vitamin E. They’ll make your hair shiny.”

[ME]: *chewing on a rotisserie chicken*

“Oh my god, put that back, it’s loaded with sodium. Okay — Wait a minute. Did you just pee in the aisle?

[ME] *still peeing*

“This is so humiliating.*

[ME] Somebody else already peed there.

“I don’t care. Now I have to find a clerk to clean it up.”

[ME] Just walk away. No one will ever know. Walk. Away.

*rounding the end of an aisle and seeing another human* Yo, are you talkin’ to me?”

“Please don’t get in a fight. I’m so sorry, she’s a rescue.”

[ME] “You MUST be talking to me. I’m the only one here.”