Humor

If I Win The Mega Millions I’ll Be The Same A**hole I’ve Always Been, But Rich

Photo by John Fornander on Unsplash

Hi there! Have a seat!

Nice, right? That’s made from a whale’s scrotum. It cost me $50,000 and now I’m on some kind of list. Whatever. It’s going to be wall-to-wall scrotums in here and nobody can stop me.

KEVIN! — my butler’s name is Kevin — KEVIN! I TOLD YOU, NO BROKEN CHEERIOS! ONLY PERFECTLY FORMED CHEERIOS! Never mind, breakfast is ruined. It’s so hard to get good help these days.

Listen to me! I promised myself I wouldn’t act like that, but who am I kidding? I was an asshole before I won the Mega Millions, and I’m still an asshole. But now I’m a rich asshole.

You’d think Bezos would return my calls. I just won a billion dollars.

Hey, Book Boy, I’m just as good as you!

He’s probably busy on Saturn or whatever.

I don’t even want to go to outer space. I want to go to inner space, and by that I mean I want to build a tunnel to the Earth’s core. They say it’s, like, super hot and made out of lead or something.

But do we really know that? Really?

What about all those movies where’s there’s, like, people and gardens and dinosaurs and shit under the…