Humor

If I Was As Rich As Jeff Bezos

I’d be the laziest person on the planet.

Photo by michal dziekonski on Unsplash

Yes, it’s fun to think about all the great things we’d do if we were ultra-rich. Travel to another planet. Bring water to the desert. Lead an indigenous people’s uprising against their oppressors.

Okay, I might be thinking of Dune.

I don’t know who we’re kidding. If we had unlimited cash at our disposal, we’d be just like all the other super-wealthy idiots on the planet. Sure, we’d give away billions, but that’s just a tax dodge. They do it because their accountants tell them to.

If the trillionaires of the world could do anything they wanted to do, they’d sleep until noon every day and have somebody hand feed them like a baby bird.

Personally, and because I’m willing to be brutally honest even without being a massive stoner like, oh, let’s call him Melon Eusk, here are a few of the ways my life would change if I was as rich as Jeff Bezos.

1. Fresh sheets. Every. Single. Day. I’d sleep like a baby kangaroo in its mother’s pouch if I had fresh, clean sheets every day. At this point, I’m on a tri-annual sheet rotating schedule.
2. I would buy a subscription to every magazine on the planet. I still wouldn’t read them, but I’d know they’re there…