Humor

If I Had A Wikipedia Page

Needs verification.

Bev Potter
3 min readJan 30, 2022

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Photo by Luke Chesser on Unsplash

Bev Potter was born in Istanbul on January 1, 1997 [needs verification]. She was the third of 19 children born to a poor goat herder and his wife who lived in the foothills of the Caucasus Mountains. Bev spoke only goat for the first 10 years of her life [edit].

She was accepted to Harvard because they needed to fulfill a diversity requirement for the children of left-handed goat herders. Bev became the president of her sorority, Boom Chicka Pow Pow, and was basically worshipped as the most attractive person on campus [needs verification].

Before becoming a widely celebrated author and bon vivant, Bev was a poet whose work appeared alongside that of Lawrence Ferlinghetti, Enid Shomer, and Andre Codrescu. She wrote under a different name so don’t try to look it up.

Bev came in second behind Shomer in a Writer’s Digest competition [date] judged by Diane Wakoski and watched Shomer’s career take off while hers stagnated like old cat vomit.

She nursed a longstanding grudge against Shomer, but after several decades she managed to move on. [needs verification]

Bev once won a local poetry contest and scored not only $100, but a boxed lunch. Before she could get the cash, she had to sit through a speech by a YA author wearing zebra print and cowboy boots. She made her boyfriend [name redacted] promise to never let her dress like that if she ever became famous.

Bev finally gave up poetry for the glittering lights of the online blogging community where she amassed a huge following and finally achieved financial success [needs verification].

After becoming addicted to TikTok, Bev entered rehab where her screen addiction was treated by forcing her to make eye contact with other patients.

As she wrote in her best-selling memoir, I Haven’t Set Myself on Fire Yet, it was the most painful three weeks of her life and she swore never to share a bathroom with anyone ever again.

Bev has a bad back from sitting hunched over a keyboard for hours at a stretch without getting up and is now confined to her home, where she writes diatribes against her boss and wonders what her ex-husband [name redacted so the cops don’t show up again] is up to in his double-wide in the middle of New Mexico.

She hopes it’s really hot there and and that he’s plagued by scorpions and wildfires.

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Bev Potter

Legal secretary by day, insomniac by night. Ally. BA, MA. Humor, pop culture, and things that make you think. My weekly-ish newsletter is bevpotter.substack.com