Humor

I Went To The Riot At The Capitol Building And All I Got Was This Lousy Podium

Photo: Getty Images (Fair Use)

“The spirit was fantastic. It was kind and sweet, and we were all so happy to be there.” — Hattie Bryant to WKRN, Nashville.

Wow, was I excited when the buses finally pulled up to the Ellipse! I had to pee like a you-know-what (some of the guys were using Powerade bottles, but I’m no extremist). We assembled in front of the stage where the President was going to speak. It was a real party atmosphere. Some people started chanting “Hang Mike Pence!”, which was fun.

The President talked for a really long time and sometimes his sentences were even grammatically correct! I was more excited than that time the Homeowner’s Association granted my application for a variance to build a wall between me and the brown people who live next door.

Some reporters have asked me, “Didn’t you know things were going to turn violent?” Of course not! Just because I was surrounded by wild-eyed people wearing tactical gear and being egged on by a petty despot and his Igor, how was I supposed to know all hell was about to break loose and I was going to be part of a rabid mob that tried to bring down the American government?

Pshaw. When the nice young gentleman wearing face paint and a fur pelt with horns gestured towards the broken window, how was I supposed to know it wasn’t legal to step through and start looking for Mitch McConnell to get his autograph, by force, if necessary?

Somebody handed me some zip ties, and I just thought, “Gee, these will be useful for staking my tomatoes next year, or for kidnapping Mitch McConnell.”

Yes, maybe the human feces smeared on the walls and tracked all over the carpet was overkill, but I only smeared a teeny tiny bit of poop on a portrait of somebody I didn’t even recognize because it wasn’t a portrait of Mitch McConnell.

I didn’t even use my own poop. It was somebody else’s poop, I swear.

What did I think “trial by combat” and “we’re coming for you” meant? I have no idea. I don’t think I even heard that part because I was hypnotized by how many times the President said “vote” in his 70-minute speech. (99 times).

Anyway, since I was there, I thought, “I should get a souvenir of this historic event. Maybe a snow globe of the Washington Monument from the gift shop, or Nancy Pelosi’s podium.”

It’s sad. The riot ruined all of the goodness that we have built up around our insane, factually-incorrect, and racist beliefs for the last four years. My heart is broken. Yes, I giggled while I heard gunfire and stepped over pools of blood, but that was probably all staged.

We’re not bad people. We just do bad things.

Legal secretary by day, insomniac by night. BA, MA. If life is a journey, I’m lost. Slackjaw, Points In Case, The Funny Times, The Haven. Twitter: @blade_funner

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