HUMOR
I Quit Caffeine for a Month and Here’s What It Did to My Life
I hope the warden will mail this letter for me.
Day 1
I never knew a person could have a headache this bad without having a steel bolt driven through their skull like Phineas Gage, but here we are. If all of the 20-year-old Instagram health influencers are right, this will be one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.
Day 4
The headache finally went away, but I can’t open my eyes. It feels like my corneas are trapped beneath a weighted blanket. My eyelids should dial 911 and say “I can’t get up.” What I can see through my tiny sliver of vision isn’t good. The world is a festering cesspool of hatred and evil. It was probably that way before I quit using caffeine, but I was too jacked up to notice.
Day 6
My hands used to shake if I had too much caffeine, but now they’re just balled into fists. My jaw seems to be permanently clenched, too. I’m sure this is a normal symptom of caffeine withdrawal and will abate with time. My right index finger aches from hate-scrolling all of the 20-year-old Instagram health influencers. Most of them have blocked me.
Day 7
