HUMOR

I Quit Caffeine for a Month and Here’s What It Did to My Life

I hope the warden will mail this letter for me.

Bev Potter
3 min readApr 13, 2024

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Photo by Clay Banks on Unsplash

Day 1

I never knew a person could have a headache this bad without having a steel bolt driven through their skull like Phineas Gage, but here we are. If all of the 20-year-old Instagram health influencers are right, this will be one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

Day 4

The headache finally went away, but I can’t open my eyes. It feels like my corneas are trapped beneath a weighted blanket. My eyelids should dial 911 and say “I can’t get up.” What I can see through my tiny sliver of vision isn’t good. The world is a festering cesspool of hatred and evil. It was probably that way before I quit using caffeine, but I was too jacked up to notice.

Day 6

My hands used to shake if I had too much caffeine, but now they’re just balled into fists. My jaw seems to be permanently clenched, too. I’m sure this is a normal symptom of caffeine withdrawal and will abate with time. My right index finger aches from hate-scrolling all of the 20-year-old Instagram health influencers. Most of them have blocked me.

Day 7

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Bev Potter

Legal secretary by day, insomniac by night. Ally. BA, MA. Humor, pop culture, and things that make you think. My weekly-ish newsletter is bevpotter.substack.com