Humor

I Only Eat At Restaurants That Were Once Grist Mills On Picturesque Rivers

How can I wait to be seated without a historical wall plaque to read?

Photo by Joylynn Goh on Unsplash

Yes, yes, your new restaurant, L’escargot Paresseux (or The Lazy Snail in American) has five stars on Yelp. But is it a former grist mill on a picturesque river?

Sadly, no.

Not only is your dining establishment not a former grist mill on a picturesque river, but there’s also a complete lack of cast-iron historical wall plaques.

How can I wait to be seated without historical plaques to read? How can I enjoy my meal without knowing the full story of the centuries of human suffering that resulted in this entire building being rebuilt at enormous expense entirely from bamboo that was ripped from the paws of baby pandas so that people can eat overly complicated, unsatisfying, and outrageously priced food?

How am I supposed to enjoy your poached Peruvian quail’s egg nestled in arugula spaghetti garnished with fried Brood X nymphs if I don’t know that just beneath my feet, several generations of donkeys lived short, brutal lives walking…