I Just Spent $1 Million Dollars At The Fancy Grocery Store

I emerged into the sunlight, blinking and penniless.

Bev Potter
4 min readMay 9, 2021
A woman perches laughing on a shopping cart in front of a Whole Foods market.
Photo by Karsten Winegeart on Unsplash

It never turns out well when I go to the fancy grocery store across town. Dick Goddard, a famous local weather personality, almost ran me down there once in his giant SUV. He was much smaller in real life than he was on TV. All I saw was his tiny shriveled head above the steering wheel as he bore down on me.

I forgave him because he liked dogs.

Every time I step through the doors of the fancy, rich people’s grocery store, I expect alarms to go off and burly men to appear out of nowhere. “That’s a nice tote bag you’ve got there,” they say, cracking their knuckles. “It’d be a shame if something…happened to it.”

I skulk towards the produce section, passing 12 different brands of kombucha, something called “ozone water”, and $3 cans of iced tea.

The apples approach on my right. Apples I don’t know if I like because I’ve never heard of them. Pink Lady? Wasn’t that a Japanese girl group in the ‘80s? Jazz? That sounds promising. Oh, they’re $5 a pound, which is like two apples.

A man with a bullhorn appears. “STEP AWAY FROM THE APPLES. NOTHING TO SEE HERE. MOVE ALONG.”

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Bev Potter

Legal secretary by day, insomniac by night. Ally. BA, MA. Humor, pop culture, and things that make you think. My weekly-ish newsletter is bevpotter.substack.com