I Just Spent $1 Million Dollars At The Fancy Grocery Store
I emerged into the sunlight, blinking and penniless.
It never turns out well when I go to the fancy grocery store across town. Dick Goddard, a famous local weather personality, almost ran me down there once in his giant SUV. He was much smaller in real life than he was on TV. All I saw was his tiny shriveled head above the steering wheel as he bore down on me.
I forgave him because he liked dogs.
Every time I step through the doors of the fancy, rich people’s grocery store, I expect alarms to go off and burly men to appear out of nowhere. “That’s a nice tote bag you’ve got there,” they say, cracking their knuckles. “It’d be a shame if something…happened to it.”
I skulk towards the produce section, passing 12 different brands of kombucha, something called “ozone water”, and $3 cans of iced tea.
The apples approach on my right. Apples I don’t know if I like because I’ve never heard of them. Pink Lady? Wasn’t that a Japanese girl group in the ‘80s? Jazz? That sounds promising. Oh, they’re $5 a pound, which is like two apples.
A man with a bullhorn appears. “STEP AWAY FROM THE APPLES. NOTHING TO SEE HERE. MOVE ALONG.”
