I Hope Natalie Portman Likes Fruit

Because I’ve got some sucking up to do.

You know you want this, Natalie. (Photo by Tijana Drndarski on Unsplash)

Normally, when I want to suck up to somebody, I send them an Edible Arrangement. Who doesn’t want five pounds of pineapple flowers on a stick?

Or maybe something fancy from Harry & David. There’s nothing like a giant basket of individually wrapped pears to score you some brownie points.

Somebody needs to get me the name of Natalie Portman’s agent, because I’m going to need to grease a lot of palms if I want to win the new Medium Writers Challenge, or as I like to call it, Medium’s Clearinghouse Weakly.

First of all, there are contest rules. But not the kind of rules you see in a real literary publication like, I dunno, The Georgia Review or Ploughshares. No, more like the contest rules you see on a package of Thomas’ English Muffins where the prize is $100,000 and a trip to Cancun. No purchase necessary to win.

*Jerry Seinfeld voice* Can it get any cheesier?

Yes. Yes, it can.

Our work is going to be judged by cutting-edge literary luminaries…

… and Natalie Portman.

Now, I assume the decision to beg some rando celebrity to take part in this incipient fiasco was made by Medium’s PR department, and Natalie was chosen…