Humor

I Ate Nutrisystem® For Men And Now I Can Pee Standing Up

Is it convenient? Yes. Is it frightening and repulsive to the other women in the restroom? Also yes.

Photo by Simon Arthur on Unsplash

Dear Nutrisystem® for Men customer service:

Yes, I know it’s called Nutrisystem® for Men, but food is food, right? And honestly, I’m a little ticked off that you’re gendering food. Get woke, as the kids say. Food is neither male not female, but rather fluid, like a Nutrisystem® for Men Bacon Cheeseburger Shake.

I’m just wondering if anybody else has contacted you regarding certain side effects that have followed their ingestion of Nutrisystem® for Men menu items.

For example, after eating the Nutrisystem® for Men Xtra Beans Pizzarito, I can now pee standing up. Since I’m a woman, this is a new development for me.

Is it convenient? Yes. Is it frightening and repulsive to the other women in the restroom? Also yes.

Yesterday, after eating a Nutrisystem® for Men Slab O’ Meat with Ghost Pepper BBQ Sauce, I crushed an empty beer can against my forehead. The PE teacher at the school where I work thought this was cool and was inspired to do the same.