Humor

I Almost Fell Off The Roof Last Night

Again.

Photo by Sammy Williams on Unsplash

I’m obsessed with my gutters. The gutters on my house are the source of all my problems — they’re why my basement is caving in. They attract every leaf, nut, twig and dead mouse (I have questions, mouse) in a 3-mile radius, which then clogs them up and ruins my life.

I don’t have a garage or any outbuildings, so my ladder is lying next to my house wrapped in a tarp. In other words, it’s too much trouble to actually use.

Normally, I wouldn’t venture out onto the flat-ish roof over my kitchen in the middle of winter. But “normal” isn’t a real word anymore and since a storm was a-comin’, I decided to lever my fat ass out the window and onto the roof to double-check that the gutters were clear.

In the dark.

With about a foot of snow on the roof.

Which is metal.

(This is called “setting the scene”.)

Now, my grasp of physics is tenuous, at best, and my spryness and agility are essentially non-existent. But I tip-toed out onto the roof with a pure heart and gingerly knelt to scoop out some gunk on one end of the gutter, near the hole, which is the important part.