HUMOR
How To Kill A Plant In One Easy Step
It’s that time of year again when a middle-aged woman’s fancy turns to landscaping and all of the beautiful and expensive flowers and shrubs I’m going to spend hours picking out, fork over hundreds of dollars, lovingly gather up, and bring to my house to die.
I actually live just down the road from a family-owned nursery where I used to spend way too much money. And then a giant Trump flag appeared on a pole outside their house.
Problem solved.
I don’t know if my house is built on a Superfund site or a former clay mine, but my dirt is weird. It’s thick and red, and not really dirt-like. There’s all kinds of gravel about an inch down because… I have no idea why. My entire house used to be a driveway? Possibly.
And then there’s The Moles.
If you’re unfamiliar, moles are what happen if you supercharge a mouse. They’re like the Bruce Banner of mice.
They’re long, and blind, and they eat grubs, I think? I must have grubs because my entire lawn is this spongy mass of collapsing tunnels, like a Hogan’s Heroes episode, and I can only assume that’s where all my bulbs go.
Into the tiny, and frankly adorable, stomachs of The Moles.
