How To Get Away With A DUI

Or Bashing My Neighbors, part II

Photo by Tingey Injury Law Firm on Unsplash

I have raging, unrelenting heartburn (endoscopy is T minus six days); Amazon deactivated my seller’s account approximately five minutes after I opened it, don’t know why; and the universe is conspiring to make me grumpier than usual, if that’s even possible.

So let’s bash my neighbors.

Now, I have gone OUT OF MY WAY to give these people the benefit of a doubt. The man-neighbor’s dad is a prosecuting attorney (who I know), so I’m still baffled by how he’s turned out this way. The woman-neighbor has white girl dreads and various baby daddies (one in prison for, yes, a DUI with massive injuries to the victim) so apparently she has a type.

Fun Fact: Find your local court’s website and type in a name. Some call it stalking. I call it a hobby.

So neighbor man has had two DUIs, a hit-skip (which is also probably a DUI because that’s why people flee the scene — because they’re hammered and they know they’re going to be in even deeper shit if they hang around), a possession charge, and various speeding tickets (natch).

This explains the spectacular job he does at mowing his lawn twice a year.