HUMOR
How to Eat a Fruit Basket that Arrives at the Office When Nobody Else Is There
A step-by-step guide to getting the pineapple stars on a stick you deserve.
9:05 AM: An Edible Arrangement arrives at the office. Nobody else is in yet. Is it for you? You check the card — no, it’s not for you, moron. It’s never for you, even though the one thing you want more than anything else in life is an Edible Arrangement. The Edible Arrangement is for your boss, just like it always is. This is why revolutions happen.
9:10 AM: You don’t have room in the office fridge for something this big, but the thought of all that delicious, whimsical fruit going bad makes you want to faint. You clear a space on your desk and set the Edible Arrangement in front of you, so you can think.
9:15 AM: The clear cellophane wrapper is closed tightly at the top by a curly red ribbon that has been double knotted to prevent tampering. Bastards. Well, you didn’t go to college for seven years just so you could be thwarted by a curly ribbon. You were supposed to join the Foreign Service, but you didn’t because it was really hard to get in. You ask yourself, What would James Bond do?
9:20 AM: You find your scissors and make a tiny, surgically precise snip through the cello……
