How to Beat a Dead Horse

A step-by-step guide to deceased equine pummeling.

Excuse me? (Photo by Michael Anfang on Unsplash)

First — and I cannot emphasize this enough — be absolutely sure that the horse is dead. Don’t be this guy. Hold a mirror to its nose, but from a safe distance. Maybe use a selfie stick.

Secondly, choose the right tool for the job. You’re just going to look silly beating a dead horse with a tennis racket. But a baseball bat is too barbaric. A hockey stick is just going to leave dents, a football could bounce off and possibly hit you in the head. A ping pong paddle is a little too S&M. You’re not spanking a dead horse, are you? (Unless you are?)

Don’t use sports equipment of any kind.

Maybe use a broom. That way, if one of those PETA snoops shows up, you can say you’re just giving Mr. Ed one final brushing off. Making him look presentable for his… funeral. Yeah, that’s it. His funeral. Maybe shed a tear. Shove some grass into your mouth and say, “It’s what he would have wanted.”

Lastly, find your motivation. What is driving you to beat a dead horse? Is it high taxes? Is it the fact that your ex took your favorite hoodie and never gave it back? Find a picture of whatever’s really getting your goat (a topic that I discuss in my imminent best seller, Goats, and How to Get Them) and tape it to the horse. Creepy, but effective.

I hope that this brief guide to How to Beat a Dead Horse has given you the skills you will need to get out there and really give the next dead horse you see a good pummeling.

If this seems like too daunting a task, start small. Maybe find a sickly squirrel. Bring him into your home. Nurse him back to health. Name him Mr. Nutters. Become best friends. And then, when he finally passes away at the age of however old squirrels get to be, bury him lovingly in your back yard, under his favorite tree.

Don’t beat him. On second thought, don’t beat anything.

Happy Space Cats is a humor publication here on Medium looking for new writers and followers!

Legal secretary by day, insomniac by night. BA, MA. The Haven, Tenderly, The Junction, @pointsincase, The Funny Times. Twitter: @blade_funner

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