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Humor
How To Assemble A Lawn Mower
Instructions? We don’t need no stinkin’ instructions.
A lawnmower is a big investment, so you should research the matter thoroughly. Ideally, the perfect lawnmower will mow the lawn while you lay on the couch binge-watching the first two seasons of The Office. But since that’s called a “lawn service” and you can’t afford that, you’re going to have to settle for a lesser model.
How about one of those zero-turn babies? They’re like your dad’s version of the Millenium Falcon. You can almost hear him whispering, “It’s the lawnmower that made the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs” while he pirouettes around the shrubs like Nancy Kerrigan.
Unfortunately, a zero-turn lawnmower costs as much as a Romanian orphan, so maybe stick to a push mower. God knows you need the exercise. Maybe get the electric start — your rotator cuff will thank you.
ME: “Oh, I need to fill the gas tank.”
MY MOM: [thinking about the lawnmower that’s been living in her garage for three weeks] “Maybe you should take it out of the box first.”
Everybody’s a comedian.
Open the box which says DO NOT OPEN WITH A KNIFE with the biggest knife you can find. What do they expect, you’re going to gnaw it open like a…
