Humor

How Not to Touch Your Face

If you touch your face, you die. No pressure.

Photo by Charles Deluvio on Unsplash

I have long hair which is always in my face. And it itches, so I touch my face constantly.

I’m clearly doomed.

For the rest of you who still think you have a chance of surviving the [insert pandemic name here] outbreak, here are a few tips for not touching your face, since that’s the number one no-no and something we should have already learned from Kate Winslett's stellar turn in Contagion, which won an Oscar for “Making Kate Winslett Look Unattractive and Super Worried.”

You just touched your face, didn’t you? What did I just say?

KNITTING

Knitting kills two birds with one stone. Not only will it keep your hands busy so you don’t touch your face, but just think of all the clothes and blankets you and your family will need during the apocalypse! Vests, scarves, afghans, sweaters, hot pads, tea cozies. A festive fuzzy poncho may be the only thing standing between you and the zombie hoard. Knit, knit, knit. If you stop knitting, you die.

JUGGLING

I taught myself how to juggle one sweaty summer during the ’80s and it’s finally going to pay off. As long as I have three tennis balls and I haven’t been drinking, I should be fine. Of course, be sure to sterilize the tennis balls first. (This is a general rule of thumb for all balls, all the time. All balls.)

HAVE A BUDDY

This one might be a little more difficult. Always travel in pairs so that if one of you moves so much as a muscle to lift your hand towards your face, your friend can slap it away. This may give rise to resentment and possible physical injury, but desperate times call for desperate measures. This method of self-control can also be applied to dieting. As you bring the Big Mac to your lips, the other person slaps it right across the room. Give it a try!

TIE YOUR ARMS TO YOUR SIDES

I know this is going to make things a little difficult, but do you want it easy, Cupcake, or do you want to have one more day of life on this miserable galactic ash heap of a planet we call home? Your choice.

WEAR A BEEKEEPER’S MASK

Again, this one does double-duty. Not only are you protected from the [insert virus name here], but no more worries about bees which, let’s be honest, has been keeping you up at night ever since that whole tequila-fueled “I’m not allergic to anyfing and I’mma proof it” episode. In fact, your doctor told you that if you get so much as a single bee sting ever again in your entire life, you will explode on the spot. Please, just wear the hat.

Legal secretary by day, insomniac by night. BA, MA. If life is a journey, I’m lost. Slackjaw, Points In Case, The Funny Times, The Haven. Twitter: @blade_funner

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