How Not to Die From Sitting Down

Read this if you want to live.

(photo: Paramount Pictures)

As we all know, sitting is the new dying. Doctors recommend that you be on your feet at least 24 hours a day, more if possible. I got rid of all the furniture in my house so that I have no place to sit. I am allowed to lie on my back, but only if I’m pretending to pedal an invisible bicycle the entire time. Or having sex. Preferably both at the same time.

I sat down at work once and accidentally died. I’m not going to make that mistake again. Here are some ways to stay alive at the place where you most want to die: your office.

1. Practice the defensive art of capoeira, which according to Wikipedia evolved from “a type of ritual dance that used several elements of kicking, headbutting, slap boxing (?), walking on one’s hands (??), deception, evasion”, hair-pulling, pimp-slapping. You get the idea. It’s the girls’ high school bathroom of martial arts. Break it out at work to get the anti-death juices flowing.
2. Desk yoga. We all know about downward staple pull, and crying-like-a-child-under-your-desk pose. But what about craning your neck to see what other people are doing on their phones? This not only provides a deep stretch, but it teaches you subtlety and stealth.
3. Office paintball. This activity provides the accelerated heart rate and constant erratic…