How Not to Die From Sitting Down

Read this if you want to live.

As we all know, sitting is the new dying. Doctors recommend that you be on your feet at least 24 hours a day, more if possible. I got rid of all the furniture in my house so that I have no place to sit. I am allowed to lie on my back, but only if I’m pretending to pedal an invisible bicycle the entire time. Or having sex. Preferably both at the same time.

I sat down at work once and accidentally died. I’m not going to make that mistake again. Here are some ways to stay alive at the place where you most want to die: your office.

  1. Practice the defensive art of capoeira, which according to Wikipedia evolved from “a type of ritual dance that used several elements of kicking, headbutting, slap boxing (?), walking on one’s hands (??), deception, evasion”, hair-pulling, pimp-slapping. You get the idea. It’s the girls’ high school bathroom of martial arts. Break it out at work to get the anti-death juices flowing.
  2. Desk yoga. We all know about downward staple pull, and crying-like-a-child-under-your-desk pose. But what about craning your neck to see what other people are doing on their phones? This not only provides a deep stretch, but it teaches you subtlety and stealth.
  3. Office paintball. This activity provides the accelerated heart rate and constant erratic movement that’s sure to keep you alive forever. Don’t forget the protective gear.
  4. Re-enact Platoon. Pick another co-worker to battle you for Charlie Sheen’s soul in the jungles of Vietnam. Pace up and down the halls oozing disgust from every pore like Tom Berenger. Die melodramatically and super Jesus-y like Willem Dafoe as often as your employee handbook will allow.
  5. You could always buy a standing desk, but what fun is that?
  6. Two words: RIVER DANCE.

These are just a few ideas to keep death at bay while you toil from 9:00 to 5:00 at a job that requires you to sit in one place the entire time while your arteries turn to rubber cement.

Just think of your office chair as a coffin on wheels. That should get you moving.

Legal secretary by day, insomniac by night. BA, MA. If life is a journey, I’m lost. Slackjaw, Points In Case, The Funny Times, The Haven. Twitter: @blade_funner

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