Hi, It’s Me, Facebook
Hi, it’s me, Facebook.
I know you logged on just to look for a snickerdoodle recipe, or to guilt-trip your friends into buying Herbalife, or to scroll through your nephew’s graduation photos, but HEY LOOK! HERE’S A PICTURE OF YOUR DEAD CAT!
I know it’s been five years, but it’s never too late for a complete meltdown at your desk in the middle of the day. Remember her little velvety gray nose? Or the way she followed you everywhere and always had to be in the middle of everything? How she was everybody’s friend?
Well, in case you forgot, HERE’S A PICTURE OF YOUR OTHER DEAD CAT!
Despite appearances, Booboo is alive in this picture, which was taken many years ago. Nonetheless, she is in fact currently, as it were, dead.
And remember how you clicked “like” on that dog rescue page that one time? No? Well, HERE’S SOME PHOTOS OF HORRIBLY ABUSED DOGS THAT ONLY YOU CAN SAVE!
These dogs are counting on you, and you alone. If you don’t donate to The Dodo IMMEDIATELY, this 25-year-old street Chihuahua with only one leg will keel over dead as a mackerel. Is that what you want? IS IT?
While you’re here, do you know these people? No? God, you’re such a loser. Click on the friend invite — DO IT! DO IT NOW! I’m just going to keep showing you this endless Möbius strip of strangers until you friend somebody.
Look at Emily over there, she was your best friend in high school. She has friended every single member of your graduating class. Even the Amish ones. God, you hate Emily and her perfect children and her perfect life. It’s probably all a lie. She probably lives in a van down by the river and her life is a steaming pile of hot garbage. At least, you hope it is.
OMG! This woman lost her sun conure, which is apparently a bird. It is “scared but friendly” and also a freaking bird, so good luck with that. That bird is headed to sunny Mexico as we speak. But you know what?
YOU SHOULD GET IN YOUR CAR AND GO LOOK FOR THAT BIRD! Lives depend on it. Your boss will understand.
How would you even catch a bird? With a net? With a dart gun? Your aim isn’t that good. That’s how you ended up in custody the last time you tried to find a lost pet. I mean, it was an alligator, and it all went south pretty fast, but you tried your best and that’s why I AM BOMBARDING YOU WITH PICTURES OF ALL OF THESE POOR, DEFENSELESS ANIMALS.
Oh, you say you were having a pretty good day? Oops, I must’ve dropped this.
Until next time.