Hey, Kids! Let’s Make a Shoe!

You’ll thank me for this later

Photo by Art Institute of Chicago on Unsplash

Good morning, everybody! Do we have our happy pants on? Good!

Now, let’s settle down and sit in our sharing circle. Today, instead of passing around our bacteria-laden talking stick (which is just a broken ruler I found in the supply closet), we’re going to pass around a standard die-cut cold cemented sneaker.

I know five is a little young to learn workplace safety and how to operate a computer-controlled drag knife cutter, but you guys are on a fast track to joining the workforce.

Look, I know this is usually snack time and you’re thinking, “Make with the graham crackers and milk, bitch!”

But Social Security ain’t gonna fund itself and your Gen Z parents are never in a million years going to settle for a factory job making Air Jordans in Des Moines.

This last generation of workers wasn’t taught things like discipline, or work ethic, or how to stoically accept their lot in life as a cog in a vast industrial machine churning out cheap manufactured goods for subsistence wages.

That’s what foreigners are for!

Your parents were taught that everybody deserves a prize just for showing up and that they could be anything they wanted to be, which is either a fashion blogger…