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FROM THE REJECTED FILES
Hey, Babe, I Was Thinking We Might Not Get Another Dog, If That’s Okay?
With apologies to Paul Giamatti
To fully enjoy this piece, pretend you’re reading it in McSweeney’s or the New Yorker. Pretend the world isn’t a cruel, unforgiving place for humor writers, who roam the streets asking strangers if their kids have done anything funny lately.
Hey, babe? If you could stop crying while you scroll through hideously deformed rescue dogs for just a minute, I think we should talk.
Yes, I know. They deserve love too, despite their truly stomach-churning deformities.
Somebody should absolutely spend a mind-boggling amount of time and money to ship an elderly, mange-ridden stray dog with one horrifically deformed eye to the United States from Korea, just like we did when we adopted Paul Giamatti.
But I was thinking we might not get another dog if that’s okay?
Look, I miss Paul Giamatti just as much as —
No, I think I do. Just because I don’t express grief by crying and sometimes actually look happy about something that makes you sad doesn’t mean I’m cruel and heartless. It just means we’re individuals and we may experience things differently.
