Humor

Help! I’m Trapped In An Orchard With Adorable Families!

Why didn’t Dante mention this circle of hell?

Photo by Sokmean Nou on Unsplash

It seemed so simple. All I wanted was some apples.

Honeycrisp apples, to be precise. It was that time of year, as foretold in the prophecy and on the crumpled chart held by a magnet to my fridge.

I’m serious about apples. They’re delicious and nutritious. They prevent cancer. They keep your teeth clean. They can be used as weapons if necessary. They can be dried, fried, baked, stewed, sauced, and flambéd.

I usually get a peck at a time (no, I don’t know what a peck is — it’s what the bag says, okay?) from my favorite orchard, which is a good 20-minute drive from here.

It’s South, in Amish country, where you see women biking the trails in long skirts and you might get stuck behind a buggy for upwards of five miles at 15 mph.

Amish country is where you learn patience.

But man, talk about some pies. I’m pretty sure they use lard in the crust. Gross? Yes. Delicious? Also yes.

Anyway, I wanted some apples.

However, as f@©king usual, I forgot about the harvest festival.