[CASE NOTES: DIG SITE #15629, 06.12.3069 CE]
Sonicare. What the hell is this? Everybody knows it’s much more ecologically sound to let birds pick food from your teeth. Morons.
This is almost impossible to believe, but these primitive people were apparently not allowed to marry their dog. Everybody knows that a dog’s love is the only true, pure love. My husband, Mr. Woofers, will be very upset by this finding. I hope he doesn’t pee on the couch again, like that time the Academy refused to print his article, “Fuck Cats”, which, admittedly, was a bit inflammatory.
Also, they burned liquefied dinosaurs to fuel their transportation robots. Just… There are no words. The dinosaur rights people are going to have a field day with this.
They called this music? Where’s the kazoo? Where’s the ukulele? I don’t hear a single xylophone. Barbarians.
They were weirdly obsessed with eggplant. Must examine further.
They took — I’m sorry, I can’t stop laughing — they took pictures of their food, and then showed it to each other.
At one point, there were five graphic t-shirts for every human being on the planet. We have decided to call this the Metallica Era.
It appears that some of them did not believe in a Supreme Being. Gary, if You’re reading this, I’m just the messenger, right? They know not what they do, right? Gare? Gare?