ATTENDING PHYSICIAN STATEMENT
I. Injury/Illness in Question
Exposure to noxious/toxic substance in the workplace.
II. Accident/Injury (Mechanism of Injury)
Patient is a well-nourished female who presents to the ER with exposure to a toxic substance while in the course and scope of her employment.
According to the injured employee’s account, which was given shortly after the accident and further explained to me during the exam, her boss is a “self-involved bourgeois twunt who is too cheap to hire a real cleaning person but can buy a second house and throw money away on stupid crap like sushi and a $50,000 pontoon boat I mean who the fuck needs a $50,000 pontoon boat for Christ’s sake.”
As a result, she cleans the office periodically “because somebody has to do it and my co-workers are all filthy fucking pigs but I can’t live like that jesus fucking christ were they raised in a barn?”
This involves vacuuming, dusting, and cleaning the bathroom, which is used by all employees as well as clients. “One time somebody stole the soap also a tub of Lysol wipes I mean who the fuck does that?”
Patient states that while emptying the waste paper basket in the bathroom she accidentally touched one of her boss’s used butt wipes.
She immediately called 911 and was transported by ambulance to this hospital. She received IV fluids and was given last rights while in transit.
III. Medical/Legal Causation Opinion Statement
For the above-referenced reasons, the relevant clinical and exam findings, the relevant medical history, the symptom timeline, and the mechanism of injury as described above, it is my medical opinion, based upon my education, training, and experience, that the patient’s arm should be amputated at the elbow.
She states that while the butt wipe only grazed the first two fingers of her right hand (she was not wearing protective gloves at the time) she believes the wipe may have touched more of her arm than she remembers, and she would really like to have the entire arm taken off at the shoulder. “Just chop it right the fuck off.”
Her description of her boss as “a human dingleberry” lends further support to my opinion that the safest course of action is to indeed remove the entire limb and replace it with a Terminator arm or, using the 3-D printer that we just got, a fidget spinner.
Patient concurs. “Fuck yeah.”