Humor

Email Subscribers Are Freaking Me Out

I haven’t had a lot of sleep, so fair warning.

Photo by Cris Saur on Unsplash

No, mom, I don’t know why I couldn’t sleep last night. Because even my toes hurt? Because my brain is like the top at the end of Inception?Because I couldn’t stop singing Taylor’s Swift’s Renegade over and over in my head for five hours?

To add to my anxiety, apparently there’s a button now that shows us our “audience stats.” One day it wasn’t there, and the next day it was. The internet is fun that way — it’s like a questionable mole that you never noticed before.

The audience stats button shows how many followers we’ve gained each month (or lost, I suppose — sorry, inadvertent bragging alert), as well as how many people are subscribing to our page and being alerted THE SECOND WE POST SOMETHING.

No pressure.

I imagine a tiny alarm goes off in the person’s email inbox. Possibly glitter erupts from the screen. I don’t know because I haven’t subscribed to anybody yet, GIVE ME A SECOND, OKAY??

There’s a reason why I don’t have a newsletter, and it’s because I don’t want one. But fortunately that job has been ripped from my arthritic hands and Medium is now allowing people to virtually circle over my head like turkey buzzards (which perform a…