Humor

Doomsday Prepping For Beginners

And by “Doomsday”, I mean, “Leaving the house.”

Photo by Nikoli Afina on Unsplash

It takes me at least 20 minutes to get out the door even under the best of circumstances. And that was before I had to worry about a mask (or three), hand sanitizer, a map of wherever I was going so as to minimize human contact, and snacks in case I’m trapped in my vehicle for 29 hours in a snowstorm in Virginia.

I would rather lie down in the snow and die than pee beside my car on the side of the road. And I can say this because I have peed beside my car on the side of the road, and the cops immediately showed up.

Here’s a short list of the things I absolutely have to have before I can leave my burrow and venture out into the world:

1. Gum. I’m obsessed with my teeth. My mom always said I would brush them down to nubs. And sure enough, I’ve managed to wear down all the teeth on the right side of my mouth. But I’ll be damned if I’m going to die with dirty teeth.
2. Glasses. Lately I’ve developed a new anxiety (to keep all my old anxieties company) that for some reason my contacts will suddenly pop out of my eyes (even though this has never happened) and I will be left legally blind wherever I might be. To guard against unexpected contact poppage, I have to take my glasses with me…