Humor

Doomsday Prepping For Beginners

And by “Doomsday”, I mean, “Leaving the house.”

Photo by Nikoli Afina on Unsplash

It takes me at least 20 minutes to get out the door even under the best of circumstances. And that was before I had to worry about a mask (or three), hand sanitizer, a map of wherever I was going so as to minimize human contact, and snacks in case I’m trapped in my vehicle for 29 hours in a snowstorm in Virginia.

I would rather lie down in the snow and die than pee beside my car on the side of the road. And I can say this because I have peed beside my car on the side of the road, and the cops immediately showed up.

Here’s a short list of the things I absolutely have to have before I can leave my burrow and venture out into the world:

1. Gum. I’m obsessed with my teeth. My mom always said I would brush them down to nubs. And sure enough, I’ve managed to wear down all the teeth on the right side of my mouth. But I’ll be damned if I’m going to die with dirty teeth.
2. Glasses. Lately I’ve developed a new anxiety (to keep all my old anxieties company) that for some reason my contacts will suddenly pop out of my eyes (even though this has never happened) and I will be left legally blind wherever I might be. To guard against unexpected contact poppage, I have to take my glasses with me everywhere I go.
3. Caffeine pills. Yes, I know they’re bad for me. No, I’m not going to stop taking them.
4. Lip gloss. They say your lips get addicted to lip gloss. And if that’s true, mine are hard core junkies. I can’t stand to have naked dry lips for even a millisecond. As I type this, I realize my lip gloss has worn off and I have two dry, crinkly autumn leaves where my lips used to be. But I have a lip gloss in my pocket and two on my desk, so, catastrophe averted.
5. My driver’s license. How else are they going to identify my charred remains?
6. A bottle of water. To take the caffeine pills, of course. No, I don’t have a problem, YOU have a problem. Oh, and to rinse my teeth.
7. Eye drops. See item 2, supra.
8. My phone. No explanation required.
9. One credit card. But not all of my credit cards, because what if I’m mugged? That way I only have to deal with one credit card company when I’m jumped in a dark alleyway. Which, I don’t know why I would be in a dark alleyway, but still.
10. My purse. To carry all of this stuff. But if I don’t want to be burdened by my purse, I have to have a lot of pockets. A lot of pockets. I basically leave the house looking like a human marsupial.

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