Humor

Dear People Of Earth: We Didn’t Meet Our Fundraising Goal

Here’s what that means.

Photo by The New York Public Library on Unsplash

Dear People of Earth:

Back in February, we ran a fundraising campaign to cover the costs of your day-to-day operations — a campaign that unfortunately didn’t meet its goal.

The reality is, the continued existence of Planet Earth has always been a dicey proposition. What with ice ages, natural catastrophes, and the fact that your species apparently has no instinct for self-preservation, we’ve crunched the numbers and it just doesn’t make sense to keep you on the books.

Our accountant, Glarg the Destroyer, sent a very testy memo asking why we’ve continued to fund “Project Earth”, particularly after what happened with the Mars Kickstarter campaign (enough said). I guess, deep down in our carapaces, we’re just softies for a lost cause.

When we fundraise, we’re looking for donations, memberships, and subscriptions from the few thousand sentient life forms who are reading our emails (INBABITANTS OF EBLM J0555–57Ab, PLEASE CHECK YOUR SPAM).

All monies received go back directly to funding the production, printing, and funneling through an intragalactic portal copies of Earth magazine; the contributor’s fees that we pay the writers on…