I am very disappointed.

When I purchased your VIP Health + Ancestry Service for the low, low price of $499, I expected fireworks. I expected a report that said something like, “We are pleased to tell you that you are the rightful heir to the Swedish throne. Break out the knäckebröd, you’re going to Sweden!”

At the very least, I expected to be told that I would die of something interesting, like being the unwitting prey of a space alien in a fetid jungle. Not just cancer. Cancer is boring. Everybody dies of cancer. I could have found that out for free on WebMD.

Also, you told me that I’m 100% white. I cannot express the depth of my disappointment with this finding. I’m surrounded by white people, and I don’t like any of them. Look at what they’re doing to this country. I want to have an ethnicity. I want a history. I want delicious and intricate holiday foods made with ingredients that can only be found in specialty shops in big, bustling cities.

I can’t eat another turkey.

I want to be exotic, goddammit. Even if I have to print my ancestry on business cards that I hand out to everyone I meet. Yes, yes, I know I look like a boring white person, but take a look at THIS. I am 1/1000th Bhutanese on my mother’s side. Chrissy Teigen is my third cousin twice removed.

Something. Anything.

I suppose I could explore my Scottish origins, but I refuse to eat haggis. Also, I would like to be from someplace that’s sunny, so that when I return to my homeland, I also get a relaxing vacation out of it. It can’t all just be frenetic headstone rubbings and microfiche readers in musty library basements. Where’s the beach? Where are the long-lost relatives welcoming me with open arms, the beautiful smiling children offering me succulent morsels and fruity drinks?

I would like my ancestry to be less Roots and more Sandals resort.

Please revise your findings accordingly and reissue my results. For that kind of money, you should tell me what I want to hear.

Legal secretary by day, insomniac by night. BA, MA. If life is a journey, I’m lost. Slackjaw, Points In Case, The Funny Times, The Haven. Twitter: @blade_funner

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