Dear 23andMe:

I am very disappointed.

Just another day at the office. (Photo by Matt Nelson on Unsplash)

When I purchased your VIP Health + Ancestry Service for the low, low price of $499, I expected fireworks. I expected a report that said something like, “We are pleased to tell you that you are the rightful heir to the Swedish throne. Break out the knäckebröd, you’re going to Sweden!”

At the very least, I expected to be told that I would die of something interesting, like being the unwitting prey of a space alien in a fetid jungle. Not just cancer. Cancer is boring. Everybody dies of cancer. I could have found that out for free on WebMD.

Also, you told me that I’m 100% white. I cannot express the depth of my disappointment with this finding. I’m surrounded by white people, and I don’t like any of them. Look at what they’re doing to this country. I want to have an ethnicity. I want a history. I want delicious and intricate holiday foods made with ingredients that can only be found in specialty shops in big, bustling cities.

I can’t eat another turkey.

What are you looking at? (Photo by Shoeib Abolhassani on Unsplash)

I want to be exotic, goddammit. Even if I have to print my ancestry on business cards that I hand out to everyone I meet. Yes, yes, I know I look like a boring white person, but…