Humor

Calming Candles to Enhance Your Quarantine Experience

You’ll almost think you’re living in a normal world.

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Photo by Noelle Australia on Unsplash

Are you tired of that three-day-old mask smell? Do you want to pretend, if only for 6 to 8 hours of burn time, that you live in a normal world?

Look no further than our BeforeTime™ series of candles that will lift your mood and lighten your wallet.

  1. BAD BREATH. Remember what it was like to talk to somebody with bad breath? Let this candle take you back to the days of garlic shrimp, stale beer, and menthol cigarettes.
  2. SUBWAY IN JULY. Be transported to a crowded New York subway platform in July. Doesn’t it make you want to throw up, just a tiny bit? Good! This candle has done its job.
  3. COUNTY FAIR. In a pillar, votive, or taper, top notes of cow manure and diesel fuel dry down to a delicate sausage sandwich scent with overtones of French fries and cotton candy. Delicious!
  4. FISH IN A MICROWAVE. Remember when Lyle would bring in day-old Cajun salmon for lunch and warm it up in the microwave? Remember how you thought 30 to life for murdering him might be totally worth it? Relive those days with “Fish in a Microwave”, one of our most popular scents.
  5. CAR FARTS. Ah, the good ol’ days, when you and eight of your friends would pile into your Hyundai Sonata for a night on the town. Nobody would admit to having the butt burps, and yet the interior of the car slowly became more hostile to human life than the atmosphere of Venus.
  6. GRANDMA’S HOUSE. You never thought you’d say this, but you kinda miss the smell of cooked cabbage and rose air freshener.
  7. PERFUME WARS. Hark backs to the days when several middle-aged women packed into a waiting room meant five or more competing toxic clouds of Red Door and Paris by YSL battling it out while your eyes burned and tears streamed down your face.

Legal secretary by day, insomniac by night. BA, MA. The Haven, Tenderly, The Junction, @pointsincase, The Funny Times. Twitter: @blade_funner

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