HUMOR

Autumn Is The Best Season And I Will Fight Anybody Who Disagrees With Me To The Death

Look at those leaves. Look at ‘em! (Photo by Jeremy Thomas on Unsplash)

Like all right-thinking people, my favorite colors are red and orange. So when the trees start getting ready for their long winter nap, I’m ecstatic that I can stop looking at all that hideous green.

I almost never decorate for holidays. Christmas? *shrug* Easter? I’m just here for the candy, baby.

But September comes along and suddenly every single grocery store and Home Depot is shoving potted mums in your face like a drug dealer and I get Fall Fever.

Part of my brain is activated like in the Manchurian Candidate and a tiny voice whispers, “Find cornstalks.”

The pumpkin hunt has grown more fraught over the years. When I was a kid, we had plain, normal pumpkins. That’s it. Your choices were round and orange. You looked at them with an eye towards carving. You wanted a sturdy handle and a stable base.

Now, because the world has lost its mind and we can never be happy with what we have, there are “decorative gourds.” Like these: