HUMOR

At Horizons Milk, We’re Always Thinking About How We Can Make Life Better for Our Cows

Our cows are happier than you will ever be.

Photo by Ryan Song on Unsplash

Hey there! Thanks for stopping by our section of the dairy aisle to briefly consider spending $7 for half a gallon of milk!

We can assure you that Horizons milk isn’t just any milk. It also isn’t soy milk, cashew milk, almond milk, pea milk, hemp milk, rice milk, coconut milk, “oat milk” (that one is really a reach), flax milk, or (and you know this day is coming) human milk.

It’s plain ol’ cow milk. The difference is that we treat our cows better than 99% of humans treat each other.

After our cows wake up at a leisurely 10:00 a.m., they’re fed a troughful of organic muesli and then given a hoof massage.

After that, tiny robots are attached to each cow, to gently and thoroughly extract every last ounce of white gold from their bodies while quietly playing Sara Bareilles songs.

Have you ever seen a cow brush? Cow looovvve to be brushed.

Remember when Sue Sieberling used to brush your hair in fifth-grade reading class and how much you loved that? Or when you go to Best…